Before You Get Married — Try Tango!
Marriage can be a life-changing event for many couples.
While a wedding ceremony will take about a day (unless it’s a protracted celebration), a marriage will — hopefully — last a lifetime.
In the past, marriages were viewed more stringently, and most old-world couples will do anything and everything to stay married — despite the relationship failing or communication being absent.
This mentality — which has lasted for many years — stems from numerous factors primarily brought about by societal, cultural, and religious expectations.
However, modern-day couples tend to be more open to the idea of divorce, though divorce rates have also contributed to the decline of marriage rates in recent years.
According to statistics compiled by the law firm Wilkinson & Finkbeiner:
“As of 2019, both marriage rates AND divorce rates in the U.S. are decreasing — with the marriage rate dropping from 8.2 per 1,000 people in 2000 to 6.1 and the divorce rate from 4.0 in 2000 to 2.7. Recent studies have shown that millennials are choosing to wait longer to get married and staying married longer are the main driver in the decline of both the marriage and divorce rate in the U.S.”
This isn’t to say that couples don’t exhaust all efforts to fix what may be a rocky marital life. A 2017 study conducted by the MidAmerica Nazarene University found that 49% of the 1,000 people surveyed have attended some form of counseling with their spouse. The study also compares perceived and actual reasons for attending couples counseling, with communication being the number one reason couples are compelled to see a couples counselor.
While there are a myriad of ways couples can work on communication issues — even before marriage — one avenue that provides a meaningful and cost-effective alternative is learning how to dance Argentine Tango.
Make no mistake — learning tango as a way to manage conflict in marriages goes beyond performing it as a wedding dance. Believe it or not,
Argentine tango as a couple dance shares several facets with marriage or relationships in general.
The simple fact that it is a highly improvisational dance between two people already reflects the kind of scenario married couples have to undergo; nothing is orchestrated, and for their partnership to work — on and off the dance floor — they must have a profound understanding not only of the steps, but also of their self, their partner, and the space in which they both dwell.
There are many other ways that Argentine tango can improve communication, self-awareness, and empathy — all of which are vital elements that can contribute to the strength and longevity of a marriage.
Before uttering “I do,” consider these reasons why one should try learning Argentine tango with their partner.
Tango Teaches a Balancing Act
One of the first things that will be discussed in a tango class is one’s balance, axis, and posture. One can say that these are the foundations of a good tango; if someone is able to master all three, they can most likely perform the hardest but most fundamental step of all: the tango walk.
Being able to maintain one’s balance and recognizing one’s axis allows one to have the right posture while dancing.
Posture in tango takes on a more profound meaning as it reflects not only one’s ability to dance, but also one’s physical, emotional, and mental state.
According to an article on Huffpost:
“Alejandro Gee is a tango teacher who did his graduate thesis in psychology on the effects of tango dance on mood. He writes,
“‘The posture of a person is not just a position that we are supposed to stand/dance in, but also a reflection of who we are.” ”
One can then say that having the right posture and balance means that they are aware of their capabilities as a person; in the same manner, a tango dancer ought to be aware of their abilities and limitations on the dance floor. This self-awareness helps someone set expectations, adjust to the “flow” of the relationship, and stand firm despite internal or external obstacles.
In many ways, such a simple tango lesson teaches one to center themselves, which is an aspect that’s often overlooked in relationships — especially marriages. Without a deeper understanding of the self, one is more inclined to rely on the “axis” of their partner.
In tango — as in relationships — having an individual axis is important to keep steady as one party cannot constantly bear the weight of another.
The Embrace Leads to Physical and Emotional Intimacy
Aside from learning about oneself, it is also important to learn about one’s partner. Of course, a couple’s time together before marriage can play a significant role in mutual understanding. However,
time spent together doesn’t always lead to a profound knowledge of one’s partner. What is important is the quality of time spent as this can allow couples to enjoy intimacy and emotional accessibility.
This is where practicing tango together can be helpful;
the nature of the dance itself is sensual, and learning this together before marriage allows both parties to exercise cooperation and openness, which will come in handy especially when they live together (if they don’t already).
According to a post by Psychotherapy Networker:
“If you’re going to help a couple get closer and learn to really dance together, whether in bed or anywhere else, the key is helping partners experience bonding moments that open them to becoming emotionally accessible to each other. If you can do that, their bodies will follow, and sex will almost always improve. The first step is turning down the emotional threat in the relationship and turning up the partners’ ability to reach for each other, physically and emotionally.”
More than just physical intimacy, tango helps nurture emotional intimacy as a close embrace lets them gain a better sense of each other through subtle cues and the roles they undertake.
By breaking barriers that hinder physical intimacy, it will be much easier for them to open up emotionally.
With the motion comes emotion, and each response in the dance is indicative of how one party may respond to similar scenarios in their relationship. For instance, one partner might be more comfortable doing only simple steps while the other might prefer being more adventurous with more complicated ones.
With tango, partners can learn how to treat these individual differences as strengths and avenues to communicate instead of weaknesses in their relationship.
Tango Roles Teach Cooperation
Argentine tango can also teach couples a lot about cooperation, as well as what it means to undertake a certain role, both in the dance and in the relationship.
Although the terms used are often debated upon because of their lack of inclusivity, tango generally has a leader role and a follower role. Often, it is the man who takes on the leader role while the woman takes on the follower role. However, this doesn’t mean that the man is the only one calling the shots in a marriage.
On the contrary — tango teaches couples how to cooperate with each other and complement each other’s capabilities.
According to the study Communication in close relationships of persons who dance Argentine tango:
“In its very principle, Argentine tango is a meeting of femininity with masculinity.
The foundations of this style, as well as cultural stereotypes, clearly separate the roles of the dancers. The man is the one who leads, the woman the one who follows. Argentine tango is, however, not a fight, but rather complementing each other. The male partner does not manifest his strength, but focuses on reading his partner’s needs, and being understood by her. It may, therefore, be a way of overcoming certain limitations within one’s own gender, and a search for experience one yearns for, which is missing from everyday life.”
The man is the one who leads, the woman the one who follows. Argentine tango is, however, not a fight, but rather complementing each other.
Though this particular scenario focuses on the masculine and feminine dynamic, such lessons in cooperation may apply to married LGBTQ+ couples as well. What is important is that couples are able to work together and overcome limitations that may arise not only from gender but individual beliefs and attributes.
In learning tango, they have a space where they can begin identifying the dynamic that works best and learn how they can set aside differences to enjoy a successful marriage.
Tango Encourages Communication Beyond Words
As the old saying goes: “Actions speak louder than words.” Thus, it is no surprise that the primary reason married couples seek counseling is a breakdown in communication, as previously mentioned. Married couples are essentially two unique individuals sharing one life, and they may not always see eye to eye. This is where communication comes into play, though there is more to this concept than just mere words. According to a post from The 22 Tango Show:
it is no surprise that the primary reason married couples seek counseling is a breakdown in communication, as previously mentioned.
Married couples are essentially two unique individuals sharing one life, and they may not always see eye to eye. This is where communication comes into play, though there is more to this concept than just mere words. According to a post from The 22 Tango Show:
“Most people are not even aware that 93% of communication is nonverbal. Only 7% of communication is verbal, meaning the actual words that are spoken. [...]
“If only 7% of communication is verbal and 93% of it is nonverbal, then we need to get a real mastery of the nonverbal elements of communication in order to have successful communication.
It’s no wonder that communication breaks down in relationships because if we’re relying primarily on the words in order to communicate the idea and the message, and we’re missing the other 93% that is the bulk of the communication equation, then it’s no surprise that there is a great deal of miscommunication, misunderstandings, and break down in the communication.”
Perhaps the most challenging thing about communication between couples involves their willingness or lack thereof, as well as their ability to articulate their thoughts and feelings. Different people have different ways of communicating — especially when it comes to showing affection.
With tango, deciphering love languages that transcend verbal communication can be easier as tango teaches couples to interpret subtle signals and body language while dancing.
A slight push or pull, a soft tap of the foot, a little twist of the torso — all these contribute to the fluid execution of each step even if no words are said in between. Thus, learning how to interpret these signals through tango is an experience couples can apply to their marriage.
Tango Fosters Respect and Trust
One of the most important things in a relationship, regardless of whether couples are married, is mutual respect and trust. It is respecting individual boundaries, as well as having faith in the other as much as one has faith in oneself.
Tango — like relationships — is governed by codigos that set these boundaries, emphasizing some degree of intimacy without crossing definitive lines. At the same time, tango is also about trust — trust that the leader will protect the follower, and trust that the follower will support the leader.
This arrangement isn’t very different from what couples experience together.
A post from Medium explains how tango in particular can help foster mutual trust and respect:
“Why tango? Because tango — Social Argentine tango, to be specific — is completely improvised from one weight change to the next. No choreography, no prescribed routines or required sequences of steps. It’s a vocabulary for an ongoing non-verbal conversation. It takes mutual trust to engage in it at all: trust that you won’t step on each other’s toes, if nothing else.”
Tango dance starts at the 0:40 time mark :)
The Marriage Dance
In more ways than one, marriage does resemble a dance; it takes two people to make it work, and both partners must be aware of how they can best respond to each other, as well as adjust to the music.
Thus, it pays to learn about tango together before couples consider marriage. Certainly,
the lessons they will learn can help them discover themselves and one another, strengthen their relationship, and allow open communication to flourish for years to come.