Is Argentine Tango a Dance for Couples or Singles?
Tango can mean different things to different people. Depending on who you ask, tango may be someone’s hobby, pastime, escape, or even lifestyle.
For the devoted tanguero or tanguera, learning the dance and practicing it in its most authentic way can only be achieved by hopping on a plane to Buenos Aires and living there for decades.
Those who once found themselves lost have attested, through numerous anecdotes, to discovering the answers they were looking for through tango. Even those who might have taken up the dance out of curiosity recount how dancing tango has led them to a higher appreciation not only of its movements but also its philosophies.
Yes, tango can mean different things to different people, but one thing is certain about this passionate, sensual dance: it can attract all kinds of folks, especially those looking for love.
The history of tango itself is a testament to the dance’s power to draw in those searching for a romantic connection or companionship — after all, tango began with the lovesick porteños who always seem to be wooing women.
Despite the melancholy and unrequited affections narrated in its songs, Argentine tango remains characterized by its ability to draw people together… and also pull them apart.
Lighting a Spark
In tango, falling in love appears to be quite common.
One only has to look at the long list of tango dancers who have become partners on and off of the dance floor: Gustavo Naveira and Giselle Anne, Gloria and Rodolfo Dinzel, and a host of other tango luminaries who have shared both the stage and their lives together.
Even in the most typical milongas, stories of partners who end up falling in love are not unheard of. An essay from Aeon by Kapka Kassabova, author of Twelve Minutes of Love: A Tango Story (2011), explored the intricacies of falling in — and out of — love with one's dance partner. In this excerpt, she narrates her experience:
“Then — did you see this coming? — I fell in love with a fellow dancer.”
After all, tango looks like the dance of love and it feels like the dance of love.
“Something is bound to happen sooner or later. We shared the incurable sense of exile that haunts … adolescents (we were in our late twenties) and the culturally displaced. We had tanguidad. The cousin of duende, that heightened sense of soul in Spanish flamenco, and saudade, the doomed longing expressed in Portuguese fado, and also distantly related to the German Romantic sentiment of Weltschmerz or world-weariness, tanguidad transcends tango to encompass places, personalities, moments in time, the exquisite pain of the human condition itself.”
What exactly is it about tango that can spark a romantic relationship?
Many would typically attribute this to the intimacy inherent in tango’s movements.
More than the close embrace, the physical contact, and the romantic inclination of the music, the codigos of tango itself seem to mirror the expectations a couple might have of each other when entering a relationship.
For one thing, one cannot enter into a said relationship without courtship first taking place. In tango, this invitation comes in the form of the cabeceo.
When an agreement is reached between both parties, they are expected to complete the tanda despite certain discomforts that might besiege them (sweaty bodies pressed against each other, various odors, the differences in skill level when dancing, the willingness of either party to assume the role of the leader or follower, etc.).
Unless there is a grave emergency taking place, couples are expected to let their relationship on the dance floor run its due course. This can be easily equated with commitment.
One can even say that the ideal dynamic between a leader and a follower often reflects the ideal dynamic in romantic relationships. A post from Sarah Funky summarizes this aptly:
“Learning tango is like learning how to love. The push and pull between partners requires respect and trust..”
There may be differences in the role one plays, but both partners are expected to support each other’s movements in order for the dance — or the relationship — to be executed with grace and satisfaction. This can be achieved when communication, besides respect and trust, are exercised by each participating party.
A Facebook post delves more into how tango as a dance can spark romantic attraction:
“Dance compatibility can fuel romantic attraction and romantic attraction can fuel dance compatibility, which actually feels a lot like romantic attraction.”
“A student of mine, who studies neurology, told me that tango experience (movement, touch, embrace, odors, sweat, intense presence in the moment) can trigger your brain to believe you are falling in love.”
“Unending tandas, full immersion in one another, intense bliss. We all have had that feeling at least once in our tango life.”
“Yet not all dancers who share a good connection on the dance floor end up falling in love with each other. However, the majority of dancers who do fall in love in tango, do so while dancing.”
The Push and Pull
Because of tango’s ability to draw people together, many married couples or those in already established relationships may sometimes use tango as an alternative to couples’ therapy.
This likely stems from the belief that the physical act of dancing so closely and intimately may eventually result in the revitalization of emotional intimacy.
An article from The Atlantic explores how learning tango has become, for the author and their partner, a kind of relationship therapy. The essay describes the difficulties and self-discoveries they have encountered, which eventually led to a beautiful conclusion:
“Tango, like relationships, involves a great deal of improvisation.”
“In our time here, my partner and I manage to find a way to one other. I step into the unknown and trust her to lead me. We don't know where we're going or what we will bump into, but we keep on moving. We switch between leader and follower, each on our own individual axis, gently leaning into an embrace.”
Stories such as this are not at all uncommon as many do find success in rekindling their relationship by going to Buenos Aires and learning tango.
However, the opposite scenario also becomes a possibility — people who have been together for years may find themselves wanting to separate or divorce after discovering tango.
How is this possible when tango seems to be all about falling in love?
Often, in discovering tango, one also discovers aspects of themselves and their partner that may not have been obvious before. This can lead to the emergence of both positive and negative feelings. A post from Tango Mentor describes this phenomenon, wherein tango acts as a catalyst for these emotions:
“Have people spend some time together isolated from the world, and you’ll find out a lot about their compatibility. Tango makes people open to each other. That makes interactions faster and smoother. Vast amount of information is being exchanged and this gives away what’s in your heart. It mostly happens unconsciously, under the radar.”
“This makes tango an ultimate catalyst.”
“If you have just a seed of emotion, dancing tango with him/her can make it grow very fast. This happens with positive emotions, but it also happens with negativity.
“If, for example, you feel a little uncomfortable around someone, it can often grow and become very awkward or even [lead to] hate. On the other hand, if you have warm feelings while dancing with someone, your heart can easily fall in love.
“Of course, the human heart is not an automaton – it does not work by a simple algorithm.”
“There are many other factors which influence this process. I just want to point out that dancers should be aware that tango makes some things develop much faster than other interactions.”
Precisely because tango is a personal and intimate dance, the revelations one may discover do not always square with what they expected to realize from their partner.
As such, their incompatibility in the dance can lead to incompatibilities in their relationship overall, thus eventually catalyzing divorce or separation.
At the same time, because tango encourages dancing with other people, couples who are in established relationships may find it difficult to see their partner intimately dancing with others. This may lead to jealousy and feelings of extreme possessiveness, which limits both their chances of experiencing what makes tango sublime. In the long run, the jealousy one may feel upon seeing their partner in the arms of another dancer can foster doubt in the relationship itself, again resulting in separation.
Keeping One’s Own Axis
While people can fall in and out of love after tango, there are those who dance simply for a moment of companionship — but nothing more.
Just as there are many people who find love on the dance floor, there are an equal number who remain single and simply delight in the crowd without yearning for romance to blossom.
As much as a tango’s set of codigos can appear to mirror the rituals of courtship or entering into a relationship, they are also very much geared toward creating a safe space for people who do not wish to form romantic connections.
An article from Tango Forge explains some important rules in a milonga: “We do not give last names, and we do not ask personal questions in tango. It is a space of anonymity. People in relationships may use tango to manage their excess desire or their frustrations. People not in a relationship may prefer dancing as a form of contact, and not want any more. This space and experience is precious and sacred. Take care of it! This also means that…”
“(…) tango is an escape from class status issues. Everyone interacts as equals.”
“In order to feel safe with the intimacy of tango, it needs to be a social space in which people feel protected from being ‘hit on.’ For this reason, it is not appropriate to ask someone for their phone number or ask them on a date. Of course, this does occur, but it needs to be very discreet. Perhaps get to know them for a while first, before asking. (At the same time, we need to build a community, so we can go out dancing together as a queer group. Make it clear what you are up to!)”
For singles, tango is not always an avenue to find a romantic connection.
Many have their own personal axis, so to speak, and to engage in tango doesn’t mean they are willing to share this axis. They can do so in the dance, but not in terms of emotion. As mentioned, it is considered highly rude or offensive to pursue having a connection with one’s dance partner outside the dance floor.
For Singles or Couples? Who Is Tango Really For?
All this said, who is tango really for? Is it for singles? Is it for couples? Is it for those looking for love or those who simply want momentary companionship?
The beauty of tango is that it is for everyone. Again, its history tells us that tango is without borders, for it began with the porteños but was eventually embraced by the elites of Europe.
Tango is for the young, the old, the lost, those in need of healing, those who want to escape, those who want to find themselves, those who want love, and even those who don’t want romance.
Tango is both universal and highly exclusive — a paradox that only makes sense to those who have experienced what makes this dance so intimate yet somewhat detached all the same. One can only know if tango is for oneself the moment they step onto the dance floor and share their first embrace.