How To Get Invited To Dance during Milonga - 10 Tips
Those attending any Argentine Tango courses or classes will likely come across the term MILONGA at some point.
More often than not, milonga refers to a social dance event or, simply put, a dance party where everyone dances the tango. For the uninitiated, milonga can also mean a faster genre of tango.
In this article, however, milonga will be mostly used to refer to the social dance unless otherwise stated.
You can read more in detail about Tango Codigos HERE, but A post from Siempre Tango provides a brief summary of how milongas work:
● In milongas, music is played in sets of three to four songs, which are collectively called tandas.
● Three types of music are played at milongas: regular Tango music, Vals (also known as vals tango or vals cruzado), and Milonga, which refers to the type of music that’s faster and more rhythmic.
● Between each tanda is a cortina. A cortina, or "curtain," is a snippet of non-tango music that indicates a tanda is over. If a cortina plays, it is the time to sit down or invite someone else for the next tanda. It is also acceptable, in fact, RECOMMENDED to ask someone to dance after a tanda has begun.
Use the cortina to empty the dance floor, and the first song of the tanda, to find your next partner.
● In milongas, everyone is expected to dance a whole tanda with their partner. Breaking a tanda is considered rude or indicates something has gone very wrong.
● It is customary for people to dance multiple tandas with one partner. Assuming that’s the only partner you planning to dance with.
Spending 2-3 tandas in the arms of the same partner will essentially label you as this person’s mate and disqualify you from being invited by anyone else.
● Cabeceo is used to invite someone to dance.
A cabeceo is perhaps one of the most important tango codigos in a milonga. A post from Tango Arizona provides a clear explanation of what a cabeceo is:
"It is the way that people invite and agree to dance together. It is a system of mutual respect and delicacy. Gentlemen invite the ladies from a relative distance by catching their eyes and nodding. If she would like to accept the invitation, she will nod back. If the woman does not want to be invited to dance, she must subtly look the other way or not look his way in the first place. This system ensures that women are not dancing out of obligation and men are not having to have their advances rejected or feelings hurt."
We discuss the meaning of Cabaceo during Tango Secrets Summit. It is a hot subject and you will find a lot of details.
While this system is all about respect, grace, and delicacy, it is inevitable that some women may feel a little frustrated when they are not getting enough invitations during a milonga. It is important to understand that there are certain rules of etiquette in a milonga, though many of them are unwritten.
To increase one’s chances of getting an invitation, one must be aware of what these unwritten rules are. Additionally, followers shall be considering the 10 tips discussed below.
10 Tips to Get More Invitations in a Milonga
1. Be Observant
While some milongas allow women to take the lead, a traditional milonga in Buenos Aires expects women to assume the follower role. However, this does not mean that women should passively wait for a prospective partner to invite them.
A post from Yang Ningyuan explains:
"A passive woman does not actively participate in the partner selection process. She pays no attention to how men act, who could be her prospective partners, where they are seated, how they invite people to dance, whether they are shy or outgoing, whether they use cabeceo or verbal invitation, etc. She just sits there chatting, eating, browsing, or waiting passively for someone to come to invite her.”
“In contrast, an active woman is a good observer first. She pays attention to men, observes their behaviors, identifies proper matches, locates their seats, and familiarizes herself with their invitation styles, so she can take action to catch their attention, or be prepared to respond to their move."
In this case, it is possible that one is not receiving enough invitations because one is not paying attention.
Play an active role in the partner selection process and see how many more invites you can attract.
2. Dress Appropriately
In beginner tango classes or practicas, it is fine to dress casually. However, one is expected to dress appropriately in milongas. This doesn’t mean being showy or flashy.
Keep in mind that a milonga is a social event and one’s outfit matters not only in terms of appearance but also in terms of how one moves on the dance floor.
A post from Tango Concept explains: "For a milonga, dress up a little. You cannot go wrong with black; tango is an elegant dance. For a practica, dress comfortably and sensibly. Be tasteful; avoid displaying any body parts that are not generally acceptable in public. Wear shoes with heels to help properly distribute your weight forward; they should also allow you to turn on the ball of your foot with ease. This applies to gentlemen as well. If you wear accessories or jewelry, make sure they do not turn into assault weapons while dancing."
3. Be Available and Responsive
In addition to being an active participant in the partner selection process, it is important for women to become available and responsive. In some cases, women fail to notice that men are already doing the cabeceo, giving the impression that they are not receiving enough invitations.
A post from Yang Ningyuan explains what to avoid:
"Don't occupy yourself with things that may prevent men from inviting you, such as chatting, eating, reading, talking on the phone, sitting with a boyfriend, cliquing, being unchanged, wearing non-tango shoes, etc.
Instead, let men see that you are available and ready. Pay attention to men who are watching you, and be responsive to their cabeceo."
4. Put Aside Your Ego
This tip is aimed primarily at western women, who have a totally different culture than Argentine women. While cultural diversity is always welcome in tango, it is important to understand that in a milonga, the right attitude counts.
Yang Ningyuan describes cultural differences and explains how they can affect one’s chances of getting invitations:
"In the milongas of Buenos Aires, when a man approaches a women's table, every woman at that table will look at him until they find out whom he is inviting. In the US, however, women have a different attitude. They sit there wearing a blank face and ignore the man until he has to verbally ask one to dance.”
Brought up in a culture that teaches women to be restrained, to keep a distance from men, to avoid intimacy, to not give men ideas, to let men chase you and not submit yourself too easily, this kind of attitude is understandable. But if you act like a newbie at the milonga, your chances of being invited are slim.
“Women, especially young women, should not confuse tango with courtship. What the world taught you may not work in the milonga, where men approach you to dance with you, not to steal your heart. In the milongas, you need to learn from the little children who are not ego-driven but pure in heart and can easily get along with other children."
5. Respect Your Partner at All Times
It goes without saying that respect must be exercised at all times. Keep in mind that if other leaders realize that you do not respect your partner, you may not get many invitations.
“[A partnership in tango is] not an invitation for inappropriate behavior. Be sensitive to your partner’s comfort level with their personal space.””
6. Never Correct Your Partner on the Dance Floor
One must always remember that a milonga is not a practica.
Thus, tango lessons must be kept exclusively in practicas and never discussed in milongas. Similarly, one decreases their chances of being invited if they solicit advice, corrections, or instructions in a milonga.
7. Do Not Showboat
While one may think that being striking is what would get them more invitations in a milonga, nothing could be farther from the truth.
In fact, as Tango Arizona remainds:
”In traditional milongas, showboating in the middle of the floor (or anywhere else) is not a particularly respected activity. “
“In a social context, it is generally believed that tango is danced for yourself and your partner only — not for an audience”.
“Social tangueros dance for each other and what they are creating. They do not diminish their dance by using it in the service of their egos."
Thus, one should avoid drawing too much attention to oneself with exotic attires or unconventional dance moves. As stated by Yang Ningyuan:
Remember that social tango, "the communication of feelings, not the display of styles."
8. Complete the Tanda
As previously said, everyone is expected to complete the tanda with their partner. If one is in the habit of breaking a tanda, one will not get too many invitations to dance.
A post from Vio at tangoforge.com explains: "Generally, once we have agreed to dance, we complete the tanda (or three or four dances) with that person. It is considered rude not to complete the tanda. We do not break the tanda because of the person’s dancing skill. Generally, sweatiness and other discomforts that are simply a result of being close to another person is accepted in tango, and we do not break a tanda for these kinds of discomforts."
Vio (Tango Forge) shares even more during the interview for Tango Secrets Summit
The same post further explains that it is important for one to "tolerate the situation with grace.
Whatever you do, try not to frown too obviously and by all means don’t roll your eyes or make faces at your friends.
Other potential partners will notice your rudeness and are sure to wonder if you do the same thing while dancing with them."
9. Know What "Thank You" Means
When one does successfully get an invitation to dance and one has thoroughly enjoyed the tanda with their partner, keep in mind that the phrase "thank you" is perceived differently in milongas.
A post from Tango Forge explains the definition of "thank you" within the context of a milonga:
"If you enjoyed the dance, you may be tempted to say, ‘Thank you.’ These words will be interpreted as ‘I’m done dancing with you and I will now return to my seat,”
“So THANK YOU should be saved for the end of the tanda. Instead, say something pleasant like ‘that was nice’ or make a friendly comment about their dancing style."
10. Decline Invitations Gracefully
Knowing how to gracefully decline an invitation is just as important in trying to get one.
Those new to milongas may find this awkward or tricky, but there is a polite way to decline someone’s invitation to dance.
A post from Tango Concept explains: "It is not an offense to sit out a song or two.”
Sitting out a song means never to accept another invitation for the same song that you have declined from someone else.
The best way to decline an offer is to not get one in the first place; stay engaged in activities, like a conversation, that deter others from asking.
Holding someone’s neck, like demonstrated here by Hernan and Anita from Ultimate Tango, also has the meaning. It states - this person is mine and don’t you dear inviting him/her. So - there are consequences of letting someone unknown holding your neck…
It Starts With a Connection
Like many aspects of tango, getting invited to dance in a milonga starts with a connection between two people.
Tango is all about sensing what is being said and what is not, both of which are just as important in forging connections between two prospective partners.
Thus, one must be sensitive to one’s surroundings and how one projects themselves to spark someone’s interest or gracefully decline an invitation. Achieve balance and exercise respect on the dance floor at all times.