Finding Relationship Through Argentine Tango
To the innocent bystander, watching two people dance the Argentine tango almost feels like watching a love story unfold.
There’s the closeness of their embrace, the skillfulness with which their bodies move in sync, the passion and energy between each step, the subtle and wordless conversation between them — it is easy to assume that dance partners in tango are also life partners.
Hernan and Anita from Ultimate Tango - our story began one Sunday in Astoria, New York.
To some degree, this may be true and, in many cases, it is. After all, falling in love on the dance floor is not uncommon in tango.
For some, dancing tango even becomes an avenue in which couples attempt to mend strained relationships and rekindle their partnership.
Tango as a dance involves so much of one’s humanity that the physical, emotional, and even spiritual overlap in one extraordinary display of individuality and togetherness. All at once, tango becomes a catalyst for a relationship, whether that is with oneself or with another.
What is it about Argentine tango that fosters this connection? How is it that there are numerous anecdotes in which tango has, at one time or another, allowed people to find relationships after a tanda?
Tango Promotes Communication
In building any kind of partnership, whether it’s a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even a business collaboration, communication is always the first thing that needs to be nurtured.
Without clear and honest communication, any relationship is doomed to fail. Understanding and trust will be difficult to come by; conflicts and arguments are unlikely to be resolved. Eventually, both parties will end up dissolving the relationship, and it won’t always be on good terms.
The same is true for tango — communication must happen between both partners so that they may execute each step with trust and elegance.
One party signals their intention while the other receives this intention and acts accordingly. In this type of communication, wordless though it may be, how one conveys the next step is just as important as how the other party interprets it.
This is why it is common for instructors to emphasize the closeness or firmness of one’s embrace. From the beginner’s standpoint, it may sound technical, but it is the intention and practical application that makes all the difference. Without a solid embrace, communication will not be as seamless as there will be a disconnect between bodies. This would inevitably result in a poorly executed step. In tango, the risk is greater as one might experience an accident on the dance floor.
Because tango involves conversing through one’s movements, it is not entirely necessary for both partners to speak the same language — only the language of tango. The Language Journal provides a short but apt explanation:
“Language is not only oral or written. Hand signals and body movements also communicate messages, feelings, and thoughts. Argentine tango is a language spoken by its dancers — the individual movements are their words. Each time the partners dance together, they speak to each other’s hearts and souls through movement. There is no thinking in tango, only feeling. This is why, when executed perfectly, it is a very moving dance for the dancers and the audience as well.”
In many ways, the same is applicable to relationships outside of the dance; people who do not speak the same native language can have lasting relationships just as long as they are active in both communicating and listening.
One can have a circle of friends from different parts of the world and still maintain a healthy friendship as long as they are on the same page about what binds their friendship together. On the other hand, people won’t come to an understanding even though they speak the same language if they refuse to communicate and listen. Dance Passion explains how tango can help remedy this:
“Ninety-three percent of our communication is non-verbal. Partner dancing is an excellent place to explore, become more aware of and refine non-verbal chat! The subtleties of the signals and in the connection as you dance allows you to really explore your ability to be open and available to communication.’
“Learning to ‘talk’ and ‘listen’ on the dance floor is a skill that translates into everyone’s everyday life. It is a tremendous benefit to anyone in or seeking a relationship!”
Tango Reconciles Differences
As in tango, relationships involve different people with different backgrounds. No two people have the exact same beliefs, social standing, philosophies, spiritual alignment, and culture. Taking these factors into consideration, it would seem impossible for any two people to even form a friendship, much less a romantic relationship because of all their differences.
However, as history is one’s witness, many have formed strong, loving relationships despite what may seem like challenges to their compatibility. Similarly, people from diverse backgrounds have managed to nurture extraordinary partnerships while dancing the tango.
In some cases, it only takes a tanda for complete strangers to feel as though they have shared a profound connection with their dance partner.
How is this possible?
The study The Space Between Us: The Experience of Relationship in the Argentine Tango by Greta Polo offers an explanation:
“One of the major themes revealed by the moment-by-moment dance relationships in the study was ways in which the participants coped with the differences between them. If there was a disparity in experience level, some participants used it as an opportunity to take a mentorship role, while others experienced it as primarily a hindrance to dancing. Connected to this was the importance of receptivity in hearing feedback. Differences in dance styles — more improvisational versus more structured — also needed to be reconciled in the dance partnerships.”
For relationships both on and off of the dance floor to work, one must learn how to reconcile differences between both parties. This is best exemplified by the differing roles in tango, where one assumes the leader role while the other assumes the follower role. However, it must be made clear that being the “leader” in any relationship doesn’t always mean calling the shots. Conversely, being the “follower” doesn’t always mean letting the leader take the lead. Both roles are more about supporting each other through ways that turn disparities into an advantage.
Through tango, one can learn how to improvise not only when it comes to movements, but also when dealing with the differences one might have with a partner.
To treat the relationship with rigidity will spark friction. In tango, it is a give and take between the leader and the follower, and to abuse one role will ruin the experience for one or both parties. The leader must be intuitive enough to tell if the follower is comfortable in executing a step, while the follower must exercise the same intuition if a leader may seem hesitant.
The same is true for relationships; without finding a middle ground, the “dance” between a couple is bound to end badly. Both parties must work toward this compatibility, just like dance partners practicing tango. An essay from The Guardian provides an anecdote proving this point:
“Over time, we fell in love. The dance floor became an arena of understanding, with dance providing a common language. We discovered that we shared the same values and visions, the same likes and dislikes, and the same burning desire to succeed. We realised that compatibility comes if you work at it.”
Tango Requires Balance
When balance is mentioned in the context of relationships, one might immediately assume that it is the balance between both parties. What’s more important than the balance between the couple is having balance within oneself. A post from Science of People explains the principle behind having internal equilibrium and how it can benefit relationships:
“The tango takes a lot of balance. Both dancers have to know the center point of their body and keep on axis to stay upright with the moves. While each dancer has their own axis, you also have to counterbalance each other equally. It was almost like dancing with three people.
My axis
His axis
Our axis
“Isn’t that life? We are always trying to find our balance. We are always hoping for equilibrium in relationships. Tango is about physical balance. Life is about emotional balance.”
On many occasions, relationships falter when one party cannot “stand” on their own. If a person is not aligned with their individual axis, they are more likely to — quite literally and metaphorically — lean too much on their partner for support.
In tango and relationships, balance within oneself is crucial as one party can only bear so much of the other’s weight, whether that is physical or emotional. While it is possible to do this, one can only endure it for a time. To remain centered within one’s axis also allows the other person to balance their own axis, thus keeping the dance harmonious.
Tango Is a Vehicle for Healing
Time and again, one may have encountered stories wherein a person who danced the tango found healing.
Despite their high-powered careers or their successful endeavors, many have left their place of origin only to reside in Buenos Aires, so they can dance authentic tango as much as they want. Other anecdotes tell of couples who took tango as an alternative to couples’ therapy and emerged with stronger, more intimate relationships.
These experiences and many others like it point to tango’s ability to heal those who may be emotionally wounded. Physical healing is also possible through tango as many who have physical challenges or those who have suffered from accidents have taken up tango as a form of therapy.
In the realm of relationships, to be healed from emotional wounds is a necessary step for one to foster a healthy connection with another person. When one enters into a relationship with open wounds and baggage, one is unwittingly expecting the other party to do the healing for them. In many ways, it is the same as not being able to align with one’s own axis, thus leaning heavily on one’s partner.
However, in this case, there is an expectation for the other party to not just bear the burden of one’s weight, but to also make everything feel better. In tango, this is similar to having a passive follower or a leader who is too aggressive. There exists a self-serving agenda that does not take the other party into consideration.
On the dance floor, one can find healing within oneself. Tango as a dance becomes a vehicle for healing, but ultimately, one does not expect one’s partner to do all the steps necessary for that healing to happen. At the same time, one is not expected to do the healing for someone else. A post from Your Tango explains:
“Don't expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don't try to fill theirs.”
“Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can support the journey as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.”
Thus, tango, like relationships, is not just about finding a partner but also finding oneself. Only when one has accomplished this can one build a relationship with others.
Tango, Like Relationships, Is a Journey
Learning about tango and its philosophies can benefit one in their everyday life, especially when it comes to forming a connection with others.
Whether intimate connections happen on or outside the dance floor, it is important to remember that tango and relationships are both a journey.
One cannot rush into them headlong and with accompanying baggage. To “dance” elegantly, one must first align with one’s axis and thereafter support the other person in this shared journey.